Understanding Adrenal Failure and all related issues

http://www.tuberose.com/Adrenal_Glands.html

Wow! This article seems to explain it all. It's hard for me to read it without feeling sorry for myself. But it's also such a relief to see so much of what I've been experiencing validated in print. I will come back to it again later. It explains so much. Answers so many questions.

Without my adrenal glands working, it seems that my life has become a delicate balancing act of sorts. Blessed is the person with healthy adrenal glands.

Why do I feel so guilty for requiring so much extra care than other people? Why do I feel so guilty for contributing so much less to my church and community than others? I just am who I am and can only do however much God enables me. I want to cuss at all the people who keep telling me I just need to profess myself well, claiming Christ's stripes and then walk in my healing. I have pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed as hard a a person can push. I'm done pushing. I'm exhausted. I'm so sick of being made to feel guilty for being ill. All that extra pushing has contributed to where I am now. I am FAR from lazy. I am far from IRRESPONSIBLE. When God chooses to heal me, I will know it and I will gladly walk in it. Until then, I need to do the responsible thing and take care of myself.

I'm going to print out this article to take to my counselor. I don't know that it will do any good. We'll see. I think one of the most difficult aspects of this disorder is being misunderstood and judged so harshly. I've lost my friends, my job, my ability to cope, I've even lost the respect of my children. Through the grace of God though, I still have the love of my husband, and the comfort and truth of His word.

The other hard part is the mental stuff. My mind just doesn't follow the rules of rational thought and rational emotions that I think it should. I'm not sure what God is going to hold me accountable for. I just know that so much is out of my control. I feel vulnerable to every source of stress.

I long so much to hear Him, to be intimate with Him, to obey Him, to know all is well between us. When my mind went scrambled yesterday, I told Mike I want so much for this all to be over and for me to stand before God and hear His judgement of me one way or another so it can just be over with. I hate not knowing and being in fear of disappointing God.

People can't understand, even when they want to. I'm in this alone...just me and God. I pray for mercy. I pray He will reach down to me. I pray that someday all will be well...someday. The church's mom's group will go on just fine without me. I sense they think I'm crazy, inappropriate, incompetent, a clingy lost puppy sort. I had wanted to be included, to be accepted, to be loved, to have opportunity to contribute. It's just beyond me why God would not want me to have those things. But life rolls on...each day one day closer to the end that I so desperately crave.

My daughter told me I'm a joke. I've always wondered how she sees me, and the effect that my unpredictable moods and abilities have on her. When the kids were little, they were oblivious. They didn't judge me harshly. They just accepted that I loved them dearly, fed them, held them, played with them, and taught them. As they got older and saw the talents and gifts of other moms, along with the difficult time I have with consistency, fulfilling expectations, and keeping friends, they think I'm a joke. I do the best I can. It's just that my best is only as good as someone else's worst. I know it's God's judgement of me that matters, not people's judgement. But I fear that too. Will he be harsh towards me like the master who returned to find that his servant buried his talents? I'm so tired of being confused and scared. I read scripture and it just feeds into my fears, but I keep doing it because I know that is one thing God would want me to do. I don't have to guess about that.

Mike says my biggest fault is that I don't listen. I'm in tears. It's not that I don't want to listen. There is something wrong with my ability to comprehend and apply what he is saying. He tells me things he's told me before, and it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time. And then a few minutes later, it's gone again. That is why I write so much. If I don't write it down, it's gone. I write things I want to be able to look at again later. Perhaps I'll ask him to tell me when I need to take notes on what he says to me...lol. I sure remember things a lot differently than he does. He says I'm sick this time around because I didn't quit my job when he told me to. I just stuck with it, giving it everything I had until my body forced me to quit. I remember Mike specifically telling me that he wasn't going to tell me what to do. Now he is saying that if I had quit when he told me to, I wouldn't still be sick two months after the fact. I can't win for losing. No matter what I do, it's wrong and I'm being punished always. I can never guess the right thing. It's so frustrating. I envy people who can hear God's voice. I even fear that perhaps I'm not one of his sheep at all because his word says that his sheep know his voice.

Trying to figure out what is wrong with me and what to do about it by myself has been so hard. But over the years, I've made a lot of progress and have learned a lot. I'm not sure how to communicate it to others because they just think I'm making excuses for myself. But this article explains so much, from the lead, mercury, and cadmium poisoning (which has been medically documented) to the effects on the adrenal glands (which my medical tests have also proved), to how that affects everything else including my mind, energy, immune system, blood sugar, blood pressure, and even the pain in my legs, and heart palpitations (even through I don't have heart problems). It's all related and it all makes sense to me and the doctor who wrote the article. Some things cannot be disputed, they are not subjective...like a body temperature of 96.8 degrees, a blood pressure of 60/30, a blood sugar of 30. My symptoms are not that severe right now, but the only explanation doctors have given me in the past is that nothing is wrong with me...I'm just a hypochondriac with psychosomatic symptoms. Whatever, I gave up on doctors helping me a long time ago. They just take your money whether they help you or not and that's not right. I don't have any more money to give them to insult me. I'm grateful to all doctors who care and use what they know to help people and seek to know more to help people who aren't being helped by what's currently being taught in medical schools. I'm grateful to Dr. Mac for being willing to run unconventional tests and give unconventional treatments.

But how does this all apply to me as a Christian? It shouldn't apply at all I'm told. According to Christians, at least to the moms group, I just need to quit saying I'm sick and I'll be well. According to Roslyn, I just need to speak and claim my healing and move forward. Well, since that hasn't worked, I can only assume that God is involved in the process and has a good reason for my limitations...one that is part of his plan, and one that will bring him glory. A Christian psychologist once told me that illness must be working for me or I would get better. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Same song, same dance, another day. God help me.